Woke History of the UK

There is much controversy these days about what constitutes an authentic portrayal of the broad sweep of UK history. So it was that on one of their recent road-trips that Zara (aka Zarathustra, the postmodern-day prophet of all things woke) was quizzed by his friend Ziggy as to what his take was on the subject. The following exposition is based on the copious notes he, Ziggy, took at the time and is offered here for your illumination.

16th century and earlier

This period was dominated by misogynistic white males like William Shakespeare whose writings established the hegemony of the patriarchy. [Ed. Does this count as UK history, since the Act of Union wasn’t passed until 1603?]

17th and 18th centuries

The main events of these two centuries were the invasion by the United Kingdom of North America, the consequent genocide of the native population and the facilitation of the transfer of large numbers of enslaved people from Africa to North America to help farm the plundered lands.

19th century

This century was dominated by the production of statues and monuments honouring the perpetrators and beneficiaries of the above crimes. Many of the monuments were in the form of museums where the fruits of the UK’s plundering could be housed and displayed for the entertainment and amusement of the masses.

20th century

This was the century in which Indian people were massacred by UK military leaders such as Winston Churchill who compounded his sins by making a number of disparaging remarks about “Hindoos”.

21st century

This is the century when a light is finally being shone on this hidden history and the above wrongs righted by the removal of said statues and monuments and decolonising of the curriculum. When this process is complete there will be no more significant historical events since all injustices will have been righted.

Conclusion

If you are under the mistaken impression that there were other significant events which occurred in UK history you are clearly deluded and need to educate yourself. For the process of re-education and the correct contents thereof, please see the above.

About the Author

Colin Turfus
Colin Turfus is a quantitative risk manager with 12 years experience in investment banking. He has a PhD in applied mathematics from Cambridge University and has published research in fluid dynamics, astronomy and quantitative finance.

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